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I’m Not Happy In My Marriage, Unhappy In Relationship
By Guide
After numerous happy times you suddenly find yourself not happy in your relationship. You are now unhappy with your marriage and thoughts of brokenness fill your mind. Is your unhappiness due to a current unresolved relational conflict or in what appears to be an ongoing struggle? When you say that you are not happy in marriage, what do you feel would change that? Do you think your husband or wife could make you happy by doing the things you want or by doing things your way?
IF YOU ARE A WOMAN OR A MAN IN A PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP YOU ARE URGED TO SEEK HELP. (Domestic violence arrests are nearly 50% for both genders)
Here is a really big question, did you have sex before marriage? People associate sex with love, (with the sex being first), when the sex is first, it’s not love, it’s lust. Did you build the beginnings of your relationship on the premise of lust? That is one big reason why you may not be happy in your marriage, you may have missed the building of friendship and the bonding in companionship. Millions have fallen into this trap and have paid the price, that is why God tells us to wait until we are married.
Sometimes people go around focusing on their unhappy marriage in a manner that says it’s 100 percent the other guy’s fault. Think of the word partnership for a moment, usually partnership requires more than one entity right? In simple terms, it takes two halves to make one whole. In that one whole, you are half. That means that you are at least halfway responsible for the happiness within your marriage or relationship. In another way of putting it, have you really been doing your part, out of love, to meet your partners needs? Are you trying to meet them half way or are you entirely consumed by what your partner is not doing for you? Be honest with yourself, your relationship depends on it, could you be loving more?
Let’s say that you are doing your part and have been making significant efforts to love in your relationship, but the other side is not reciprocating, (usually do to selfishness), what can you do to make your marriage a happy one again? Notice that the question refers to you, not to your partner, the resolutions can start right now with your choices and actions. Love choice number one is to pray for your partner and your relationship, preferably together. Don’t let your pride get in the way of a happy relationship, ask God to help you both to reconcile the issues between you and to bring love to the foremost of your relationship. Caution! When praying for your partner, do not pray to God to change your partner, pray for things such as grace, hope, wisdom, insight, direction, mercy, humility, and increased love. Pray for things with love being at the center of your prayer for them. Pray for yourself, ask God to reveal to you were you may have errored and where you can improve and then with humility listen for the answer.
Perhaps you both could use some sharing lessons within your relationship, how about if you make an effort to initiate this kind of reciprocal activity between you? In this exercise you would both be learning to compromise, to give, and to receive at the same time. Think of your partner and what they would like from you, then think of something that you would like from them and offer to make a trade, without using trade language. Start with simple things just to get the wheels turning. As an example, let’s say you are a woman who enjoys chinese food and your husband would prefer a steak. You offer to take him out for his favorite steak meal and in return he would follow by taking you out for chinese at your favorite restaurant. After that you might suggest that he come up with an idea where he chooses something he likes and then offers to make a deal with you for something you like. You should be able to work out some simplistic ideas between you. Now while you are doing each others preference, remember that you are sacrificing out of love for your partner, enjoy the time you are having together without focusing on problematic issues.
Seek to put importance on your partnership, raise the value of the relationship itself in your mind , it’s more important than things, than money, than bills, than the house, than those new clothes you want, or that new car your lusting after. Those things are never going to bring you fulfillment, temporary pleasure only leads to long term pain. Your partner is more than a thing, think about that and then decide to appreciate their positive aspects, and love them in those few areas that you find so negative. If you quit centering on the 10 percent of the stuff that you don’t like, you can more easily enjoy the 90 percent that you do like. Besides, even if you traded them in, (like a car), for someone else, you would still end up going through the same difficulties with someone else. The problems in your partnership are endeavoring to teach you both how to love! You might as well stick to your vows, (remember those?), get a cup of perseverance, add in a couple of tablespoons of hope, and pour in a little humility.
Humility will help you to overcome your relational turbulence. The words you have been saying about the other person, and the finger that you have been pointing outwardly toward them stop. Within a partnership your finger now points at you for resolution, stop complaining, stop whining, stop moaning about how unhappy you are in your marriage and start doing something about it. That begins with you, love is a choice, love is an action, love is extended outwardly towards others, not inwardly to oneself. Happiness is a choice, nobody forces you to be unhappy, you can choose to make adjustments, to be humble, to grow up, to forgive, and to initiate an environment for a happy marriage right now. It’s your marriage, it’s your partnership, and it’s your choice.
Topics: Marriage Issues | 14 Comments »
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January 30th, 2011 at 4:34 pm
I need help.I am 6-yr married to a 29 yr.old guy. We got married when I was 20 & he was 22. He got me pregnant and even though we’re both not ready, we got married. Years had passed and we now have 2 kids. Just recently, we talked while in bed and he began to started the conversation that he sometimes feel he’s no longer happy with me. That he sometimes want a space so he could think if he would misses me. He wants to feel the his love for me when we were not yet married. That he has many “what if’s” in mind. (what if I dint get pregnant, what if he’s married with another girl and not me, or what if he’s not yet married at his age now, will he be flirting around because we both didn’t enjoy single-hood) He even told me that sometimes he would want to just hang out with his friends and drink (which is not normal because he rarely drinks). When he started to be busy w/ his new job almost 4 month now, we haven’t been talking at night, (I’m already asleep when he arrives) I asked him what’s his plans are? Is he gonna leave us for the meantime? He said he doesn’t know. Up to now, we are still living together, doing the same things we used to do, specially when we’re in front of the kids. But each night, I cry asking myself, where to start fixing our marriage. Pls. help me. Thank you
COMMENT: Appreciation brings transformation, and it sounds like he may have lost sight of what he has. It is common that couples in relationships take one another for granted after the “honeymoon” is over, but sometimes selfishness eats away at the core of the relationship too! I would like to HIGHLY SUGGEST you get this hilariously funny but insight relationship DVD’s : Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage
and watch them with him, ask him to give you an hour of his time to watch these together. If that does not work, sit down and watch it while he is in the house, indirectly giving him a chance to listen to and join in.
December 16th, 2010 at 12:13 am
what a f****d website….
Comment: Yeah the truth hurts sometimes, and it hurts more when you are in denial.
September 23rd, 2010 at 6:32 pm
I have been married for almost 25 years. We got married when I was 16 and he was 19. I do love my husband but I love him like you would a friend. I know I’m not affection enough and he tells me so but no matter how I try I don’t want to be affectionate towards him that way. When I do it feels forced. We don’t have children. I can’t really go to him or talk about what’s really bothering me because it hurts his feelings and I don’t want to do that so I just hold it in. He’s not religious. He knows that I believe in god and he is usually respectful of that. Although he has purchased a couple of books recently that I don’t approve of. One is called god is not great how religion ruins everything. I told him I didn’t like that! We just seem far different from each other. We can get along. We rarely fight. But things just do not seem right to me! I feel like he is just a friend and I really don’t want to talk to him about certain things. I mentioned going to counseling but he doesn’t seem interested. I think I’ve probably been too passive and don’t know how to push issues so now I’m just unhappy and don’t know what to do.
COMMENT; You don’t get married to be happy, your get married to love each other, (with all the imperfections), and to learn how to love within the context of a relationship. However, in order to love him, you must first love yourself, not in a selfish manner, but in God. It sounds like you have lost “that loving feeling”, but feelings are instigated by the actions of love. So in order to get those feelings flowing, love must be the first action. Not to say this is true in your situation, but many women sit back waiting for the man to show the love first, so that their “feelings” come into play. Sometimes, in love, and out of love, one needs to instigate love by choice, (love is a choice, an action, not a feeling; feelings follow love). Now you knew his standing on “religion” before you got married, you can’t change people, you can only change yourself, so quit trying to make him out to be who you want him to be, and let God do the molding and the shaping through the light of love your husband sees in you.
1 Corinthians 7:5 says; Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
This would be good for you…..and for him, if you casually have it playing while he can hear it.
Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage
July 2nd, 2010 at 9:19 pm
I have been married for 7 years now and we have 3 kids. Things have been up and down the entire time. I do not expect my marriage to be perfect but I cannot help but be very unhappy. I know I haven’t been the easiest person to be around (so says my husband) but how is someone supposed to react to name calling, and belittling from the one person that is supposed to love you? Basically I was told by my husband, when I was 8 months pregnant with our first child, that he didn’t want to get married in the first place. That just destroyed me inside, and it still hurts to this day. I’ve been told to lose weight if I wanted a better physical relationship with him. I NEVER am told he loves me. I am not perfect b/c I had an afair for about a year and I came clean. Things were on thin ice for a while but then we found out I was pregnant with our second child. I’ve done so much changing personally that I don’t even recognize myself sometimes. I’ve tried to become what he would want but it doesn’t seem to work. He still talks down to me, and just nik picks at everything little thing I do. He is very condesending and makes me feel terrible most of the time. I’ve tried talking to him about it and of course he always says he’s sorry and he will try to be dif but he isn’t. It’s almost like he says things just to shut me up so he can go on about his business. I stay home with the kids and he works long hours. He comes home everyday and watches tv until he goes to bed. There is no interaction with me unless he is asking me to get him something. It’s like he has no emotionaly connection whatsoever with me, and I’m just a person filling a space. It has been a really bad year for me. My dad passed away and my grandmother passed away within a month of eachother. My husband almost expects me to bounce right back and not let it bother me. I wasn’t even able to go to my grandmothers funeral b/c we live in MD and all my family is in OKLA. I even asked my husband about me going and he replied with “you were just there.” I was there for my dads funeral. He has no heart in my opinion and I do not know what to do. I could go on and on, but my main concern is rather to stay or leave. Our kids are still younge 6, 3, & 2. I just need help.
REPLY: It sounds like he still has significant pain regarding the affair….
How do you think you would behave if the shoe was on the other foot? I think you both really need to start with the beginning of all relationships, with God. However you can not do that for your husband, but you can do it for you. James 1:5; If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.
June 4th, 2010 at 9:36 am
My husband and I have been married for a few months. He seems to tell his mom everything! I’m stuck all day at home, no cable, no car, nothing! We never go out to eat and if we do it’s always fast food. Blah! I’m not happy and I don’t know what to do.
Answer: How about letting him know that you would like some “us time”. Communication is very important in a relationship, don’t expect him to read your mind. If you let him know and he responds in a healthy manner, he must love you.
May 3rd, 2010 at 2:14 pm
I have been married for a year and 5 months now. I’m already unhappy cause of the constant attitude/behavior that I’ve been getting from my husband. He use to be in a relationship with this girl whom he has a child with and they’ve known each other since they were 4 years old. Now he has some issues with her and he did state that she is a big manipulator. I have 2 kids of my own in my previous relationship and I don’t have any issues with my kid’s father. I keep things civil and I just don’t understand why my husband don’t understand that. When my ex comes and picks up our son, my husband thinks he comes just to play with his little games which I don’t understand what that means. I don’t like problems but it seems like my husband does not understand. Also he easily gets irritated and that causes me to just lash out on him at some points cause I feel unappreciated. It’s like he gets angry or irritated and I don’t know why half the times. There are times where I mention certain discussions to him and in the next few days, he states that he doesn’t remember and that I’m messing with his head. I’m so lost. Even if I’m nice he still acts funny and that makes me confuse. I feel like my love is slowly going away for him. I feel like whatever has happen to my husband in the past with his ex, he’s applying it to me and I really hate it….Help me understand please
Answer: In order to understand others, you must first understand yourself. Love is always a choice that both parties of a relationship can make. In other words, neither of you have to wait on your “feelings” to become engaged to initiate the actions of love. Feelings follow actions, not visa versa. You both have “stuff” that you are carrying from your past. Those emotions come up and act as poison to your relationship. You both respond from those past emotions, (unforgiven hurts), rather than using your minds. You both are allowing your past hurts and emotions to get in the way of your relationship. It’s not just one way, you have to turn the finger around at yourself, God will start with you first, and he will speak to your position, not the condition. Everyone wants quick fixes or to place blame, but few want to do what is necessary to love one another. Please go to the RESOURCES link at the top of the page, order the DVD’s on “laugh your way to a better marriage”, it’s worth its wait in gold, and it will get you started in a healthier direction. After you have both watched it, leave me another post letting me know that you have completed it. or be difficult and allow your relationship to falter, it’s your choice.
April 28th, 2010 at 10:04 pm
I need some help with my marriage.
Answer: The first step is realizing and admitting, the second is doing.
You can not afford not to go see a biblical church counselor, look for a nearby church and see if they have one.
March 10th, 2010 at 11:43 am
I have been married for 15 years and we have 2 children. We both were very young when we got married. I was 18 and he was 22. After all these years together I now want to get out of my marriage. He is a good man and a good father but he has alot of insecurites of himself and he is constantly accussing me of cheating on him. He can be controlling at times and sometimes I feel like a prisoner in my own home as he does not like for me to go out and spend time with friends and I feel that I need some time for myself and he does not agree. I don’t feel that I’m in love with him anymore. I wish I could talk to him about it and tell him that I’m no longer happy but I’m scared of the reaction he will have. Any advise on what I should do?
Answer: This somewhat depends on the reaction that you are worried about, if you are being physically abused you should seek outside assistance now. However, if you are not worried about physical abuse then you need to let him know how you feel, and how his insecurity and thus controlling behavior are affecting your relationship. Letting him know that you feel boxed into a cage. This is not something that love does, however there is a reason for him feeling insecure. I would suggest you both seek out biblical counseling in your area.
August 16th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
There always seems to be so much controversy in my relationship. i been with the same man for 25 years and there are some good times and alot of bad times. He put me through so much and sometimes i sit here and say to myself why am i even in this relationship and why do i even waste my time. I know he doesn’t love me the way i love him because if he did he would think about my feelings not his own all the time. Also how many times could you possibly cheat He so self centered and thinks the world owes him something. He’s a good father to our six chldren but when it comes to me it’s a different story. Sometimes i wish i would of left a long time ago and never looked back. I really don’t know what i’m still doing here. He says he loves me but i really don’t think so i just think it’s convenient for him. Please tell me what you think very unhappy.
Answer: I think men and women need to learn how to meet each others needs, how to love each other through God. God is the source of love and if you do not have Him in your relationship, there is going to be problems. Seek Him first and acquire His love, wisdom, and direction for your lives. You do not have to wait on anybody else to do that.
June 9th, 2009 at 11:33 am
My questions is I will be 28 and my husband is 38. We have been married for 8 years and nothing has went right. We got in a car accident, his x-wife keeps showing up, we cant get ahead and just recently my 2 year old son was diagnosed with leukemia. I don’t know if I am just going through depression or am I just really unhappy with him. I am at the point I cant stand to even talk with him. I hope you can help
Answer: Sounds like you are dealing with some very difficult circumstances, and that your emotions are being tried. You have 2 very turbulent issues, your son and the car accident. Just based on those two issues alone I would suggest that you get connected to a Christian church and get someone to pray with you immediately. And then I would suggest that you Start Praying .
May 2nd, 2009 at 9:10 am
I am in a mentally abusive relationship. The man that i love has abused drugs for a long time and know I think his perception of reality has been altered. We go through these weeks of pure bliss and then suddenly everything goes haywire. We have children together and he is truly a good man but I can’t take the stress and mental abuse anymore. Love isn’t enough when you seem to be the only one who is sincerely in love. Although he like I said is generally a good person but their is a dark side to him. When he goes to that place I am truly afraid, my father was abusive and had some mental issues as well so I know how it looks when it all goes bad. I know that I’ll have to leave to regain my sanity its just so very hard when you truly love them.
If you are in a physically abusive relationship it is highly suggested that you seek out help. You say you are in a mentally abusive relationship, but you give no examples of that. There are times when one person claims that and they themselves need to take responsibility for their own actions. Relationship is a two way street, you are both in the relationship, so you both play a part. Are you both seeking God in your relationship? Are you both going to church? Are you both praying for Gods wisdom, insight, and direction?
April 18th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
I’m not happy with my marriage because I feel very deprived of physical and emotional attention from my wife. I’ve tried to give her what she needs emotionally and help around the house as she asked for but I don’t receive anything in return. In our first few years of marriage, I use to giver her the world and now all that stopped. I feel that I’m missing the emotional and physical part of marriage and I don’t know what to do. It seems that we are stuck in the same old routine daily and we both don’t really know how to make things better. We have kids that we both love so much. They are the glue to our unhappy marriage. But, this could only last for so long. Any advise would be appreciated.
Answer: That is what you think and feel from your side. Too many people say they have tried everything, but when asked to elaborate on that, they fall very short. It’s true that you may be doing many things, and perhaps they are not appreciated or received with love. However, you need to be looking to me her needs, the way she needs them, not the way you think she needs them, (and visa-versa). Here are some keys to begin with, #1 get God in your relationship, pray for your relationship, preferably together. #2 Learn to communicate with her in a manner that you will fully understand her needs, let her know that you want to be a loving husband and humbly ask her how you could better meet her emotional needs. #3 Act with specific intentions to love her where she needs to be loved, and speak words of love to her and over her, love builds up. #4 and this is a very important, go rent the movie Fireproof and watch it together, then get the book called The Love Dare from the movie “FireProof” and read it.
April 13th, 2009 at 8:32 am
I have read and understood the article but my question is: what do you do when you are unfaithful to your partner in term of having a relationship with someone else and got caught? Should you confess everything to the person and expect him to forgive you? Don’t you think you can hurt the partner more by telling every single thing about that relationship? Please advice. Thank you
Answer: You got caught, the gigs up! The question is were you caught by your partner? Being dishonest to your partner is generally not going to be helpful. If your partner caught you, you might as well come clean, but forgiveness requires sincere repentance. It would certainly be very hurtful to them that you would be so unloving and so selfish to do such a thing. But now your actions have torn a major part of the relationships foundation, which is trust. You will have to earn the trust back, that is going to take time. Not to be harsh, but for your own understanding you need to comprehend an aspect of this; (1 Corinthians 6:16; And don’t you realize that if a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her?) The point that I am trying to make here is that when you have sex with someone there is a bonding that takes place. So now you have bonded with someone else, you need to realize seriousness of this. It is your choice that got you where you are, and it’s your choice as to what you do next. The first suggestion would be to ask God for forgiveness!
April 3rd, 2009 at 7:06 pm
I have unanswered question about myself. I have a history of pick unhealthy men. My last boyfriend of last week, has a really bad anger problem, and blames it on his sleep apnea. He is mentally abusive, and talks about other women all the time, including my friends, says he wants to have a three some. I have taken him back over 5 times. I really want to be strong this time. I have seen counselors, for co-dependency, they have told me that I am extremely emotionally deprived due to my abusive father and my mother abanding me emotionally. This last breakup really damaged me, I felt like I couldn’t go on because I am so tried of staying with men that abuse me mentally and I don’t know how to stop myself, I have attachment issues big time. This last break up he treat to hit me because I made him mad. It seems like all he cares and things about is sex and women. Please help me with any advice. Thank you
Answer: Physical threats are a serious matter, for your own safely you should seek safe refuge and assistance. It really sounds like you have had sex with him prior to marriage, in doing so you are setting yourself up for physical and emotional repercussions. Turn away and run from that sin and seek Gods wisdom in your life, you’ll be glad you did.