« 3 Cheap Romantic Ideas For Under 10 Dollars | Showing | Sexual Health Issues, Sexual Memories, Reliving Illusions »
Should Couples Live Together Before Marriage, Living Misconceptions
By Guide
Many people wonder should we live together before we get married? This issue is especially true with young adults who have acquired some real living misconceptions. Some couples may think that living together will help them ensure a happy relationship before actually committing themselves fully. Many couples who live together before marriage would say that marriage is just a piece of paper anyway. Actually, living together lacks the commitment that a marriage extends. Concubinage is living together like spouses, (cohabitation), without being legally married. Also referred to as a common-law marriage, which is a marriage relationship created by agreement and cohabitation rather than by ceremony.
Let’s begin with the consideration, the opinion, the thought, that while living together you will be able to determine if you can live in harmony together. If this is what you are thinking then you are insecure with the relationship to a point of fire escape implementation. In other words you are saying; "let’s live together, but at the first sign of conflict I want to be able to get out." Folks, nobody has a relationship that does not have some difficulties, because nobody is perfect, you are going to have some times of discord. If you really love someone, then you would not want a built in escape hatch, love perseveres and endures through all circumstances. Rather, you would want a relational foundation of love between you that says, that you as a couple, would work out anything together through your love for each other. So instead of rushing in with this misconception, spend more time growing your foundational bonds of friendship.
It’s possible that many young adults think that they should live together before marriage because they have watched there own parents fail at relationship. If you are a young adult who has watched your parents go through a painful divorce and has dealt with the pain of a failed family, I really do feel for you, I too have experienced the same thing. But the reasoning behind the relational failure is a lack of love, it is not some incompatibility issue. Incompatibility is a falsehood for a failed marriage, either the premise was wrong initially or they as a couple failed to love congruently. The erroneous belief that you might be able to do better than them by first living together with someone before marriage is inaccurate. The veins of a healthy relationship must be filled with love, love does not fail.
What about someone who says that marriage is just a piece of paper and that it is fine for couples to live together? That generally comes from someone who does not want to commit, and could be associated with insecurity as well. It also may come from someone who does not want to commit, but at the same time desires to be sexually fulfilled, (self-indulgence). A person like that is more consumed with lustful desires than they are with love. Love is a commitment, it is not something you choose to turn off and on like a light switch, nor does love seek it’s own satisfaction. You can give and receive love, but love does not sit around with a catchers mitt waiting to inwardly absorb from others, that is selfishness. A lust based relationship is not healthy or love based, the foundation of those kinds of relationships are already skewed. When the sex fails, the relationship fails because there is nothing left of the relationship. There is no love in lust, there is no foundation of friendship to fall back on, and no relational bonds outside of the physical intimacy. A lust based relationship is like building a house on quicksand, like selfishness, it will implode inward on itself. So much for the argument that you just want to live together to make sure that you will be sexually satisfied before you get married.
Now there may be some who say that they are going to be living together without having sex, quit it! Either you are not being honest with yourself or you are unaware of the temptation that you will be overloading one another with. Everyday you would be fighting against that temptation, so why put yourself or your partner at risk in that kind of a situation? More importantly, why would you put your relationship at risk if you value it? Love would not do that.
If we are truly honest with ourselves we will readily admit that couples who live together, outside of the context of marriage, are living in a relationally premature situation. Love is not the foremost of the relationship with those who make commitment excuses, otherwise they would have already committed themselves through love into marriage. There is some false belief, some self-deceit, or some relational deception implied upon their partner. It’s delusion by way of fallacy.
Ladies if you allow yourself to get involved in a living together situation, you set yourself up for other emotional issues. You are going to feel insecure in a living together arrangement, and it’s going to be a ongoing issue with you, especially if you give yourself away prematurely. There are plenty of men who will use you for their own lust fulfillment, and that feeling of being used is not going to leave your emotions alone. Too many women fall into this sand trap and end up being hurt because they allowed themselves to be taken by a living together falsehood. You should first consider the character of a man that suggests that you live together as a couple before marriage. You should also consider his ability to love, and his level of love for you by making a suggestion to live together before getting married. If a man really loves you, he will say it with meaningful actions, he will say it with a ring.
We must show love through actions that are sincere, not through mere empty words. 1 John 3:18
Topics: Top Love Issues |
March 29th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
I hate to argue with the points you have all made — I respect all of your moral stance. However, there is a large assumption that the reason a man and woman would want to live together is to “test the waters,” to find out if it will really work. I would agree that couples don’t have to live together to find out if there are any compatibility issues. But to say that “there is no reason for an unmarried couple to live together other than to indulge in sex immorality” is very closed-minded.
(Answer: Usually when one becomes offended, (or argues), is because they have heard the truth deep down inside of them, but they don’t want to admit it. If they admit it, they then realize that they need to change something.)
My girlfriend and I are not married and we live together. We are not testing the waters — we know we want to be together. Why haven’t I “shown my love with a ring?” Because I have been saving my money for a good ring. If the ring is a symbol of my love, does it not follow that it should be the most beautiful thing she’s ever been given? Think this is a “someday will never come” situations? Nope, I’ve talked to her parents, my parents, and the jeweler is making the ring as I write this.
(Answer: Buy the ring with a loan, someday can be TODAY, many jewelers offer credit and from what you say, you already have a down payment. Love is patient, and to truly love is to wait until both of you have commited yourselves in the sanctification of holy matrimony.)
Is this a case of a man taking advantage of a woman? Living together was her idea.
(Answer: But to love her would have meant to obstain from sex until marriage, whether it was her idea or not, you still made a choice on your side, take ownership of it. Are you always going to blame her for your choices and actions?)
Are we living together to indulge in sex immorality? No. Yes, we “do things” and I’m sure many of you will frown on that, even though we do not have intercourse. But if you are going to judge me on that, be sure to take into account that the physical aspect of our relationship would not be affected by our living arrangement.
(Answer: Yes? No? Making it up as you go? Let’s be honest about what Gods word says alright? Pre-marital sex of any kind is a sin. Ask yourselves questions like, am I allowing my hormones to get the best of me and my relationship? If we obstained from sex what kind of a relationship would we have? Do we really want a relationship that will stand the test of time? Are we selling ourselves and our relationship short by sinning?)
Now, I’m not saying it is my stance that couples should live together before marriage. I just think that whether or not the couple should live together before marriage depends on the maturity and intentions of the couple. In our case it made economic sense to live together — we both live in cities where we do not know very many other people, so both of us carrying a rent and utilities alone became very burdensome.
-Answer: Money should not rule your relationship, love should be first and foremost. How many excuses do you want to list? YOUR LIST; Saving money for a ring, financial sense, we don’t have intercourse, “but we do things”, it was her idea, physical aspect not affected by living together, (Are you listening to yourself?)
Sorry to be so long-winded but the assumptions made by the author and commentors about why couples live together and why it’s wrong really struck a nerve with me. I’m not saying I disagree with all of your reasons, but you haven’t taken into account all possible reasons before generalizing it as wrong, period.
(Answer: There is a reason why it really struck a nerve! In order to be honest with others you must first be entirely honest with yourself and with God, are you doing that?)
October 31st, 2008 at 10:18 am
A very nice piece!! Respect IS the Key Issue here. If you don’t have respect for each other, you don’t have anything. Thank You!!!!
October 29th, 2008 at 5:17 am
Living together before marriage is not the best way to know each other, it will only add to your problem by causing a depreciate in value. It is the lady that will feel it more because you might have worn out before you will get married, I strongly believe that this is now how you will stay together with a man in the same house and temptation will not befall you one day. As time goes on before you know what is happening you start getting used to the immorality on the name of we will get married one day. I want you to get one understanding that there is not any other reason to live together than to indulge in sex immorality, which is a sin before God. Why not fear God in all our ways and stop giving excuses and face reality, God Love us and knows the repercussions, that is why He is warning us against all this immoralities. He knows the nature of men that He created and for them not suffer us women. He warned us because He knows the harm we will bring ourselves. Please ladies don’t allow anybody to take away your glory and your pride from you in a very cheap rate. There is an adage that says whatever the price you place on yourself will determine how valuable you are and how people will value and respect you. Virtuous women we deserve to be respected, let us command respect and make people to know that we are virtuous indeed. PLEASE SAY NO LIVING TOGETHER BEFORE MARRIAGE I LOVE YOU ALL.
October 27th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
He moved a friend of his in without asking if it was ok with me. Lastly, we were moving forward to getting married. He doesn’t think he needs to ask about someone moving in.
Yes he should have asked you first, that would be the respectful, considerate, and loving thing to do. However, since you are not married, then this is just another reason why couples should not live together before getting married. There is an aspect in this where you have enabled him to treat you in a disrespectful manner, (not that it’s ok, it’s not). By not holding your boundary line, you have already shown him how much respect you require, (again, it does not make it right, love respects). If a man loves you, let him show that by actions, let him give you a ring, get the commitment of marriage before you go and live together with him, and before you give yourself away. Now, if you were married, having another person living with you would put a strain on your marriage relationship in some manner. It is something that should be considered carefully by both partners of a marriage.
October 27th, 2008 at 5:51 am
If you love each other, you do not need a safety net, (ie just living together). If you love each other you should be able to say I will stay regardless of any conflicts we have. I will stay and work it out. For richer or poorer, In sickness and health, (bad health of one or both can cause money problems, emotional problems, and cause you to have to adjust your goals. If you truely love each other you will adjust and support each other, if you can’t promise, then you should not be with each other in the first place cause you are putting yourself first and if you truely love each other, you put the other person first) For better or worse, (same as above), Forsaking all others Keeping only to each others keeping only to each other, (this should be easy if you love each other then you respect each other and do nothing to shame each other), If you can make these promises you do not need a safety net or quick escape exit. If you can’t make these promises then you should not be living together period. The marriages I have seen work, work because the people in them love each other enough to work to make them work.