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Should Couples Live Together Before Marriage, Living Misconceptions
By Guide
Many people wonder should we live together before we get married? This issue is especially true with young adults who have acquired some real living misconceptions. Some couples may think that living together will help them ensure a happy relationship before actually committing themselves fully. Many couples who live together before marriage would say that marriage is just a piece of paper anyway. Actually, living together lacks the commitment that a marriage extends. Concubinage is living together like spouses, (cohabitation), without being legally married. Also referred to as a common-law marriage, which is a marriage relationship created by agreement and cohabitation rather than by ceremony.
Let’s begin with the consideration, the opinion, the thought, that while living together you will be able to determine if you can live in harmony together. If this is what you are thinking then you are insecure with the relationship to a point of fire escape implementation. In other words you are saying; "let’s live together, but at the first sign of conflict I want to be able to get out." Folks, nobody has a relationship that does not have some difficulties, because nobody is perfect, you are going to have some times of discord. If you really love someone, then you would not want a built in escape hatch, love perseveres and endures through all circumstances. Rather, you would want a relational foundation of love between you that says, that you as a couple, would work out anything together through your love for each other. So instead of rushing in with this misconception, spend more time growing your foundational bonds of friendship.
It’s possible that many young adults think that they should live together before marriage because they have watched there own parents fail at relationship. If you are a young adult who has watched your parents go through a painful divorce and has dealt with the pain of a failed family, I really do feel for you, I too have experienced the same thing. But the reasoning behind the relational failure is a lack of love, it is not some incompatibility issue. Incompatibility is a falsehood for a failed marriage, either the premise was wrong initially or they as a couple failed to love congruently. The erroneous belief that you might be able to do better than them by first living together with someone before marriage is inaccurate. The veins of a healthy relationship must be filled with love, love does not fail.
What about someone who says that marriage is just a piece of paper and that it is fine for couples to live together? That generally comes from someone who does not want to commit, and could be associated with insecurity as well. It also may come from someone who does not want to commit, but at the same time desires to be sexually fulfilled, (self-indulgence). A person like that is more consumed with lustful desires than they are with love. Love is a commitment, it is not something you choose to turn off and on like a light switch, nor does love seek it’s own satisfaction. You can give and receive love, but love does not sit around with a catchers mitt waiting to inwardly absorb from others, that is selfishness. A lust based relationship is not healthy or love based, the foundation of those kinds of relationships are already skewed. When the sex fails, the relationship fails because there is nothing left of the relationship. There is no love in lust, there is no foundation of friendship to fall back on, and no relational bonds outside of the physical intimacy. A lust based relationship is like building a house on quicksand, like selfishness, it will implode inward on itself. So much for the argument that you just want to live together to make sure that you will be sexually satisfied before you get married.
Now there may be some who say that they are going to be living together without having sex, quit it! Either you are not being honest with yourself or you are unaware of the temptation that you will be overloading one another with. Everyday you would be fighting against that temptation, so why put yourself or your partner at risk in that kind of a situation? More importantly, why would you put your relationship at risk if you value it? Love would not do that.
If we are truly honest with ourselves we will readily admit that couples who live together, outside of the context of marriage, are living in a relationally premature situation. Love is not the foremost of the relationship with those who make commitment excuses, otherwise they would have already committed themselves through love into marriage. There is some false belief, some self-deceit, or some relational deception implied upon their partner. It’s delusion by way of fallacy.
Ladies if you allow yourself to get involved in a living together situation, you set yourself up for other emotional issues. You are going to feel insecure in a living together arrangement, and it’s going to be a ongoing issue with you, especially if you give yourself away prematurely. There are plenty of men who will use you for their own lust fulfillment, and that feeling of being used is not going to leave your emotions alone. Too many women fall into this sand trap and end up being hurt because they allowed themselves to be taken by a living together falsehood. You should first consider the character of a man that suggests that you live together as a couple before marriage. You should also consider his ability to love, and his level of love for you by making a suggestion to live together before getting married. If a man really loves you, he will say it with meaningful actions, he will say it with a ring.
We must show love through actions that are sincere, not through mere empty words. 1 John 3:18
Topics: Top Love Issues |
October 21st, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Many couples in today’s society decide to get married after they have been living together for some time. Our cultural ideas suggest to them that a good way to insure a happy marriage is to live together for a while, so they can see what it’s like to live with the other person. That is really not an accurate reference point…
October 21st, 2008 at 1:14 pm
You need to be able to define if your dates value systems and beliefs are in congruency. In healthy dating you are looking for agreeing qualities that are suitable and appropriate for a significant relationship foundation. You are not dating to find someone who is perfect, you are dating to find someone who is perfect for you. This brings up the question…
October 27th, 2008 at 5:51 am
If you love each other, you do not need a safety net, (ie just living together). If you love each other you should be able to say I will stay regardless of any conflicts we have. I will stay and work it out. For richer or poorer, In sickness and health, (bad health of one or both can cause money problems, emotional problems, and cause you to have to adjust your goals. If you truely love each other you will adjust and support each other, if you can’t promise, then you should not be with each other in the first place cause you are putting yourself first and if you truely love each other, you put the other person first) For better or worse, (same as above), Forsaking all others Keeping only to each others keeping only to each other, (this should be easy if you love each other then you respect each other and do nothing to shame each other), If you can make these promises you do not need a safety net or quick escape exit. If you can’t make these promises then you should not be living together period. The marriages I have seen work, work because the people in them love each other enough to work to make them work.
October 27th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
He moved a friend of his in without asking if it was ok with me. Lastly, we were moving forward to getting married. He doesn’t think he needs to ask about someone moving in.
Yes he should have asked you first, that would be the respectful, considerate, and loving thing to do. However, since you are not married, then this is just another reason why couples should not live together before getting married. There is an aspect in this where you have enabled him to treat you in a disrespectful manner, (not that it’s ok, it’s not). By not holding your boundary line, you have already shown him how much respect you require, (again, it does not make it right, love respects). If a man loves you, let him show that by actions, let him give you a ring, get the commitment of marriage before you go and live together with him, and before you give yourself away. Now, if you were married, having another person living with you would put a strain on your marriage relationship in some manner. It is something that should be considered carefully by both partners of a marriage.
October 29th, 2008 at 5:17 am
Living together before marriage is not the best way to know each other, it will only add to your problem by causing a depreciate in value. It is the lady that will feel it more because you might have worn out before you will get married, I strongly believe that this is now how you will stay together with a man in the same house and temptation will not befall you one day. As time goes on before you know what is happening you start getting used to the immorality on the name of we will get married one day. I want you to get one understanding that there is not any other reason to live together than to indulge in sex immorality, which is a sin before God. Why not fear God in all our ways and stop giving excuses and face reality, God Love us and knows the repercussions, that is why He is warning us against all this immoralities. He knows the nature of men that He created and for them not suffer us women. He warned us because He knows the harm we will bring ourselves. Please ladies don’t allow anybody to take away your glory and your pride from you in a very cheap rate. There is an adage that says whatever the price you place on yourself will determine how valuable you are and how people will value and respect you. Virtuous women we deserve to be respected, let us command respect and make people to know that we are virtuous indeed. PLEASE SAY NO LIVING TOGETHER BEFORE MARRIAGE I LOVE YOU ALL.
October 29th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
This is also why so many women feel used after sex, they have given up their self respect for a temporary satisfaction. Why do so many relationships fail? Because people build their foundations based on the wrongs things, often that substructure is built on sex alone. When sex fails there is nothing for them to fall back on. Couples who first live together do not spend enough time building a foundation of friendship…
October 31st, 2008 at 10:18 am
A very nice piece!! Respect IS the Key Issue here. If you don’t have respect for each other, you don’t have anything. Thank You!!!!