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      Should Couples Live Together Before Marriage, Sleeping Together

      By Guide

      Many people wonder should we live together before we get married? This issue is especially true with young adults who have acquired some real living misconceptions. Some couples may think that living together will help them ensure a happy relationship before actually committing themselves fully. Many couples who live together before marriage would say that marriage is just a piece of paper anyway. Actually, living together lacks the commitment that a marriage extends. Concubinage is living together like spouses, (cohabitation), without being legally married. Also referred to as a common-law marriage, which is a marriage relationship created by agreement and cohabitation rather than by ceremony.

      Let's begin with the consideration, the opinion, the thought, that while living together you will be able to determine if you can live in harmony together. If this is what you are thinking then you are insecure with the relationship to a point of fire escape implementation. In other words you are saying; "let's live together, but at the first sign of conflict I want to be able to get out." Folks, nobody has a relationship that does not have some difficulties, because nobody is perfect, you are going to have some times of discord. If you really love someone, then you would not want a built in escape hatch, love perseveres and endures through all circumstances. Rather, you would want a relational foundation of love between you that says, that you as a couple, would work out anything together through your love for each other. So instead of rushing in with this misconception, spend more time growing your foundational bonds of friendship.

      It's possible that many young adults think that they should live together before marriage because they have watched there own parents fail at relationship. If you are a young adult who has watched your parents go through a painful divorce and has dealt with the pain of a failed family, I really do feel for you, I too have experienced the same thing. But the reasoning behind the relational failure is a lack of love, it is not some incompatibility issue. Incompatibility is a falsehood for a failed marriage, either the premise was wrong initially or they as a couple failed to love congruently. The erroneous belief that you might be able to do better than them by first living together with someone before marriage is inaccurate. The veins of a healthy relationship must be filled with love, love does not fail.

      What about someone who says that marriage is just a piece of paper and that it is fine for couples to live together? That generally comes from someone who does not want to commit, and could be associated with insecurity as well. It also may come from someone who does not want to commit, but at the same time desires to be sexually fulfilled, (self-indulgence). A person like that is more consumed with lustful desires than they are with love. Love is a commitment, it is not something you choose to turn off and on like a light switch, nor does love seek it's own satisfaction. You can give and receive love, but love does not sit around with a catchers mitt waiting to inwardly absorb from others, that is selfishness. A lust based relationship is not healthy or love based, the foundation of those kinds of relationships are already skewed. When the sex fails, the relationship fails because there is nothing left of the relationship. There is no love in lust, there is no foundation of friendship to fall back on, and no relational bonds outside of the physical intimacy. A lust based relationship is like building a house on quicksand, like selfishness, it will implode inward on itself. So much for the argument that you just want to live together to make sure that you will be sexually satisfied before you get married.

      Now there may be some who say that they are going to be living together without having sex, quit it! Either you are not being honest with yourself or you are unaware of the temptation that you will be overloading one another with. Everyday you would be fighting against that temptation, so why put yourself or your partner at risk in that kind of a situation? More importantly, why would you put your relationship at risk if you value it? Love would not do that.

      If we are truly honest with ourselves we will readily admit that couples who live together, outside of the context of marriage, are living in a relationally premature situation. Love is not the foremost of the relationship with those who make commitment excuses, otherwise they would have already committed themselves through love into marriage. There is some false belief, some self-deceit, or some relational deception implied upon their partner. It's delusion by way of fallacy.

      Ladies if you allow yourself to get involved in a living together situation, you set yourself up for other emotional issues. You are going to feel insecure in a living together arrangement, and it's going to be a ongoing issue with you, especially if you give yourself away prematurely. There are plenty of men who will use you for their own lust fulfillment, and that feeling of being used is not going to leave your emotions alone. Too many women fall into this sand trap and end up being hurt because they allowed themselves to be taken by a living together falsehood. You should first consider the character of a man that suggests that you live together as a couple before marriage. You should also consider his ability to love, and his level of love for you by making a suggestion to live together before getting married. If a man really loves you, he will say it with meaningful actions, he will say it with a ring.

      We must show love through actions that are sincere, not through mere empty words. 1 John 3:18
       


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      Topics: Top Love Issues | 20 Comments »

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      20 Responses to “Should Couples Live Together Before Marriage, Sleeping Together”

      1. Sandra M. Says:
        October 27th, 2008 at 5:51 am

        If you love each other, you do not need a safety net, (ie just living together). If you love each other you should be able to say I will stay regardless of any conflicts we have. I will stay and work it out. For richer or poorer, In sickness and health, (bad health of one or both can cause money problems, emotional problems, and cause you to have to adjust your goals. If you truely love each other you will adjust and support each other, if you can’t promise, then you should not be with each other in the first place cause you are putting yourself first and if you truely love each other, you put the other person first) For better or worse, (same as above), Forsaking all others Keeping only to each others keeping only to each other, (this should be easy if you love each other then you respect each other and do nothing to shame each other), If you can make these promises you do not need a safety net or quick escape exit. If you can’t make these promises then you should not be living together period. The marriages I have seen work, work because the people in them love each other enough to work to make them work.

      2. sherry Says:
        October 27th, 2008 at 6:12 pm

        He moved a friend of his in without asking if it was ok with me. Lastly, we were moving forward to getting married. He doesn’t think he needs to ask about someone moving in.

        Yes he should have asked you first, that would be the respectful, considerate, and loving thing to do. However, since you are not married, then this is just another reason why couples should not live together before getting married. There is an aspect in this where you have enabled him to treat you in a disrespectful manner, (not that it’s ok, it’s not). By not holding your boundary line, you have already shown him how much respect you require, (again, it does not make it right, love respects). If a man loves you, let him show that by actions, let him give you a ring, get the commitment of marriage before you go and live together with him, and before you give yourself away. Now, if you were married, having another person living with you would put a strain on your marriage relationship in some manner. It is something that should be considered carefully by both partners of a marriage.

      3. BUBAJEE Says:
        October 29th, 2008 at 5:17 am

        Living together before marriage is not the best way to know each other, it will only add to your problem by causing a depreciate in value. It is the lady that will feel it more because you might have worn out before you will get married, I strongly believe that this is now how you will stay together with a man in the same house and temptation will not befall you one day. As time goes on before you know what is happening you start getting used to the immorality on the name of we will get married one day. I want you to get one understanding that there is not any other reason to live together than to indulge in sex immorality, which is a sin before God. Why not fear God in all our ways and stop giving excuses and face reality, God Love us and knows the repercussions, that is why He is warning us against all this immoralities. He knows the nature of men that He created and for them not suffer us women. He warned us because He knows the harm we will bring ourselves. Please ladies don’t allow anybody to take away your glory and your pride from you in a very cheap rate. There is an adage that says whatever the price you place on yourself will determine how valuable you are and how people will value and respect you. Virtuous women we deserve to be respected, let us command respect and make people to know that we are virtuous indeed. PLEASE SAY NO LIVING TOGETHER BEFORE MARRIAGE I LOVE YOU ALL.

      4. Raymond P. Says:
        October 31st, 2008 at 10:18 am

        A very nice piece!! Respect IS the Key Issue here. If you don’t have respect for each other, you don’t have anything. Thank You!!!!

      5. Mike Says:
        March 29th, 2009 at 6:33 pm

        I hate to argue with the points you have all made — I respect all of your moral stance. However, there is a large assumption that the reason a man and woman would want to live together is to “test the waters,” to find out if it will really work. I would agree that couples don’t have to live together to find out if there are any compatibility issues. But to say that “there is no reason for an unmarried couple to live together other than to indulge in sex immorality” is very closed-minded.

        (Answer: Usually when one becomes offended, (or argues), is because they have heard the truth deep down inside of them, but they don’t want to admit it. If they admit it, they then realize that they need to change something.)

        My girlfriend and I are not married and we live together. We are not testing the waters — we know we want to be together. Why haven’t I “shown my love with a ring?” Because I have been saving my money for a good ring. If the ring is a symbol of my love, does it not follow that it should be the most beautiful thing she’s ever been given? Think this is a “someday will never come” situations? Nope, I’ve talked to her parents, my parents, and the jeweler is making the ring as I write this.

        (Answer: Buy the ring with a loan, someday can be TODAY, many jewelers offer credit and from what you say, you already have a down payment. Love is patient, and to truly love is to wait until both of you have commited yourselves in the sanctification of holy matrimony.)

        Is this a case of a man taking advantage of a woman? Living together was her idea.

        (Answer: But to love her would have meant to obstain from sex until marriage, whether it was her idea or not, you still made a choice on your side, take ownership of it. Are you always going to blame her for your choices and actions?)

        Are we living together to indulge in sex immorality? No. Yes, we “do things” and I’m sure many of you will frown on that, even though we do not have intercourse. But if you are going to judge me on that, be sure to take into account that the physical aspect of our relationship would not be affected by our living arrangement.

        (Answer: Yes? No? Making it up as you go? Let’s be honest about what Gods word says alright? Pre-marital sex of any kind is a sin. Ask yourselves questions like, am I allowing my hormones to get the best of me and my relationship? If we obstained from sex what kind of a relationship would we have? Do we really want a relationship that will stand the test of time? Are we selling ourselves and our relationship short by sinning?)

        Now, I’m not saying it is my stance that couples should live together before marriage. I just think that whether or not the couple should live together before marriage depends on the maturity and intentions of the couple. In our case it made economic sense to live together — we both live in cities where we do not know very many other people, so both of us carrying a rent and utilities alone became very burdensome.

        -Answer: Money should not rule your relationship, love should be first and foremost. How many excuses do you want to list? YOUR LIST; Saving money for a ring, financial sense, we don’t have intercourse, “but we do things”, it was her idea, physical aspect not affected by living together, (Are you listening to yourself?)

        Sorry to be so long-winded but the assumptions made by the author and commentors about why couples live together and why it’s wrong really struck a nerve with me. I’m not saying I disagree with all of your reasons, but you haven’t taken into account all possible reasons before generalizing it as wrong, period.

        (Answer: There is a reason why it really struck a nerve! In order to be honest with others you must first be entirely honest with yourself and with God, are you doing that?)

      6. JEANIE Says:
        July 23rd, 2009 at 2:58 pm

        I HAVE TO GO WITH LIVING TOGETHER INSTEAD OF MARRYING! OF COURSE AT ONE TIME IN MY LIFE I WOULD HAVE AGREED WITH GETTING MARRIED, BUT I AM OF AN AGE NOW THAT IF I GOT MARRIED, I WOULD LOSE MY BENEFITS, SUCH AS MEDICAL INSURANCE, I AM DISABLED & MY PAIN MEDICATION ALONE IS OVER $350.00 A MONTH! I AM NO LONGER ABLE TO WORK AT ALL, AS I AM BEDRIDDEN! I ALSO HAVE TO TAKE OTHER MEDICATION TO KEEP ME FROM BEING SICK ALL OF THE TIME BECAUSE I HAVE ADVERSE REACTIONS TO PAIN MEDICATIONS! OK,,, MY TOTAL MEDIACAL BILL IS OVER $1,000.00 A MONTH! I REFUSE TO IMPOSE THAT BURDEN ON ANYONE! I THINK IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, YOU COULD NEVER DO THAT TO THEM! I AM OLD FASHIONED IN MY MORALS, THEREFORE I HAVE BEEN NOT ONLY ALONE FOR THE LAST 23+ YEARS, BUT I HAVE ALSO BEEN CELIBATE! DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE TO LIVE THIS WAY, JUST BECAUSE IT IS IMMORAL TO LIVE WITH ANYONE UNLESS YOU ARE MARRIED TO THEM?? I DON’T ANYMORE, BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN A VERY LONELY WOMAN FOR A VERY LONG TIME! I WON’T DATE FOR FEAR OF FALLING IN LOVE! I DON’T WANT MY HEART BROKEN BY SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE HE CAN’T TAKE CARE OF ME DUE TO MY HIGH MAINTAINENCE BECAUSE I HAVE TO HAVE MY MEDICATIONS! CAN YOU TELL ME HOW I CAN LIVE A HAPPY LIFE KNOWING I WILL SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE ALONE, BECUSE OF HIGH MORALS??? WHEREAS IF I WERE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE & JUST LIVE WITH HIM, I COULD HAVE A COMPANION, BE HAPPY, AND BE ABLE TO KEEP THE INSURANCE I HAVE NOW! YOU TELL ME WHAT THE ANSWER IS????

        Answer: God is the source of all provision. How do you think it is that your needs are being taken care of now? Have you thanked God for taking care of your needs? How about the air you breath today? Philippians 4:19 says; And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. The real answers to your questions are within you, are you trusting in the goodness of God? When your self awareness dissolves and you come to the full realization that God, …gives breath to the people… Isaiah 42:5, then you will know the answers to your questions.

      7. yaa Says:
        July 28th, 2009 at 5:18 am

        what if you do not live with him or her but occasionally you for weekends. is that also good or bad? someone told me it is a good bonding process for a relationship.

        Answer: That would open the door to temptation for both of you. I would highly suggest you work on building the bond of friendship and wait to stay in the same place until after the wedding.

      8. Jitsiree Says:
        September 16th, 2009 at 5:45 am

        In marriage, I feel the man comes home only because he is the husband and I’m his wife, which is so meaningless. I hate how all these titles dictate the way we live. But in living together, if a man comes home, I feel he comes because of me, which is so meaningful. He loves me that is me, not because I’m his wife.

        Answer: Denial is a place where people suppress information, truths, and facts, because they do not want to deal with them. Love is a commitment, and marriage is a commitment to love one another. He does not love you, he loves what he gets from you, HE LUSTS YOU, to love you would be to honor and respect you with a ring and a wedding. To show, by actions how much you really mean to him, not that you are some cheap piece of meat that he comes home to.

      9. Char Says:
        November 19th, 2009 at 8:41 am

        A son is living with his fiance and her family, sleeping alone in her bedroom, they say they do not have sex, want us to come to the wedding but we hesitate, since we don’t approve of the living arrangements and the temptations it imposes, but if we don’t go they want nothing to do with us ever again. But going will also cause another sibling to disrespect us and what we have taught them.

        Answer: Love says I want what is best for you, but love would not forcefully attempt to impose that will, (except for children). Love still loves even when there are opposing view points. Love requires us to love people in their imperfections, and that includes the choices they make. And sometimes we have to love them enough to let them learn the hard way. Consider this, and perhaps share it with the sibling; But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (1 Corinthians 7:9)

      10. Shanna Says:
        March 19th, 2010 at 12:32 pm

        We’ve been dating for 9 months and I asked him about his beliefs on living together before marriage and he said its ok but he’s not ready. He owns a house but doesnt live there, but rather lives with his parents. He has to fix his house before he can move in. He’s owned his house for almost 2 years. Im confused. He tells me that he wants to be with me for a long time, but never stays over or anything. I really love him and have been really patient with him. Please give me some answers. I’ve been married once before.

        Answer: To some level that tends to sound good, it does not sound like he is just after sex, (assuming you are not having sex). However, if you are, then it could be that he gets what he wants physically from you and has no need to commit because his desire is already met. On the other hand, if you are obstaining from sex as a couple, that could be a very precious thing that would be worth the wait. One other thing to think of is that just because you are ready for marriage, it does not mean he is. Whatever you do, do not build a foundation based on sex, keep yourself pure and build a foundation of friendship.

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