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Should Couples Live Together Before Marriage, Sleeping Together
By Guide
Many people wonder should we live together before we get married? This issue is especially true with young adults who have acquired some real living misconceptions. Some couples may think that living together will help them ensure a happy relationship before actually committing themselves fully. Many couples who live together before marriage would say that marriage is just a piece of paper anyway. Actually, living together lacks the commitment that a marriage extends. Concubinage is living together like spouses, (cohabitation), without being legally married. Also referred to as a common-law marriage, which is a marriage relationship created by agreement and cohabitation rather than by ceremony.
Let's begin with the consideration, the opinion, the thought, that while living together you will be able to determine if you can live in harmony together. If this is what you are thinking then you are insecure with the relationship to a point of fire escape implementation. In other words you are saying; "let's live together, but at the first sign of conflict I want to be able to get out." Folks, nobody has a relationship that does not have some difficulties, because nobody is perfect, you are going to have some times of discord. If you really love someone, then you would not want a built in escape hatch, love perseveres and endures through all circumstances. Rather, you would want a relational foundation of love between you that says, that you as a couple, would work out anything together through your love for each other. So instead of rushing in with this misconception, spend more time growing your foundational bonds of friendship.
It's possible that many young adults think that they should live together before marriage because they have watched there own parents fail at relationship. If you are a young adult who has watched your parents go through a painful divorce and has dealt with the pain of a failed family, I really do feel for you, I too have experienced the same thing. But the reasoning behind the relational failure is a lack of love, it is not some incompatibility issue. Incompatibility is a falsehood for a failed marriage, either the premise was wrong initially or they as a couple failed to love congruently. The erroneous belief that you might be able to do better than them by first living together with someone before marriage is inaccurate. The veins of a healthy relationship must be filled with love, love does not fail.
What about someone who says that marriage is just a piece of paper and that it is fine for couples to live together? That generally comes from someone who does not want to commit, and could be associated with insecurity as well. It also may come from someone who does not want to commit, but at the same time desires to be sexually fulfilled, (self-indulgence). A person like that is more consumed with lustful desires than they are with love. Love is a commitment, it is not something you choose to turn off and on like a light switch, nor does love seek it's own satisfaction. You can give and receive love, but love does not sit around with a catchers mitt waiting to inwardly absorb from others, that is selfishness. A lust based relationship is not healthy or love based, the foundation of those kinds of relationships are already skewed. When the sex fails, the relationship fails because there is nothing left of the relationship. There is no love in lust, there is no foundation of friendship to fall back on, and no relational bonds outside of the physical intimacy. A lust based relationship is like building a house on quicksand, like selfishness, it will implode inward on itself. So much for the argument that you just want to live together to make sure that you will be sexually satisfied before you get married.
Now there may be some who say that they are going to be living together without having sex, quit it! Either you are not being honest with yourself or you are unaware of the temptation that you will be overloading one another with. Everyday you would be fighting against that temptation, so why put yourself or your partner at risk in that kind of a situation? More importantly, why would you put your relationship at risk if you value it? Love would not do that.
If we are truly honest with ourselves we will readily admit that couples who live together, outside of the context of marriage, are living in a relationally premature situation. Love is not the foremost of the relationship with those who make commitment excuses, otherwise they would have already committed themselves through love into marriage. There is some false belief, some self-deceit, or some relational deception implied upon their partner. It's delusion by way of fallacy.
Ladies if you allow yourself to get involved in a living together situation, you set yourself up for other emotional issues. You are going to feel insecure in a living together arrangement, and it's going to be a ongoing issue with you, especially if you give yourself away prematurely. There are plenty of men who will use you for their own lust fulfillment, and that feeling of being used is not going to leave your emotions alone. Too many women fall into this sand trap and end up being hurt because they allowed themselves to be taken by a living together falsehood. You should first consider the character of a man that suggests that you live together as a couple before marriage. You should also consider his ability to love, and his level of love for you by making a suggestion to live together before getting married. If a man really loves you, he will say it with meaningful actions, he will say it with a ring.
We must show love through actions that are sincere, not through mere empty words. 1 John 3:18
Topics: Top Love Issues | 18 Comments »
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April 29th, 2011 at 8:13 am
Its a good advice, if only the parties involved, are patient, nd understanding with one another, cos u will eventualy end having d sex, but on the other hand the men involved, will tell u, dat they want to have a feel of what they are getting into, if its worth it, a whole lot of women fall prey, especially when feelings are involved
a lot of women get hurt,
April 12th, 2011 at 10:06 pm
It is a good advice. My culture won’t allow both partners to have sex before married. But I think the physical sexual before married is important if u trust ur partner. but for me I don’t trust anyone.The man can not only love u without physical sexual although they love u so much then they will find another girl. Is it right? They don’t want to talk to u like before they want to talk only to his girl. It is so sad.
RESPONSE: A man who really loves you will be willing to wait for a proper marriage. Love requires sacrifice, and if a man is unwilling to wait for sex, then he is focused more on his wants than he is on your needs, that is not love, that is selfishness. The biggest issue occurs when the man gets his wants met, then leaves the woman hanging because he is already getting “his”, or dumps her altogether at some point breaking her heart. This is a real deal that many hurt women could attest to.
March 28th, 2011 at 9:33 am
I’m assuming this advice applies to only Christians and not non-believers, right? Because it doesn’t make an ounce of sense to anybody with non-religious beliefs.
Have you ever heard of the 21st century?
Some couples simply can’t afford to live alone, and why should they? For some ridiculous belief otherwise that says it’s going to harm their long term relationship? Please…
If you’re truly right for marriage, a few years living together shouldn’t make the slightest bit of difference. I’m sorry but this article just had me rolling my eyes.
RESPONSE: Who is anybody? I only see your name here? I bet there are many of non-religious women who would call your comments foolishness. Oh, no it is for you too, you of such great wisdom and comprehensive insight. If you only had some data, (information, factor analysis, statistics, & relational database), in which to review before you speak, you would find why that is. Roll your eyes, then tell me you have not taken advantage of any women, and also tell me how after years of living together, YOU, YOURSELF, are happily married today. I mean you are the proof of your own expertise right? Please… You can’t do any of the above, because you rely on misconceptions and your own head knowledge, which is in a significant area of lack.