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Sexual Affairs Cheating Spouses Multiple Sex Partners Adultery
By Guide
Most extramarital affairs do not begin for sexual reasons, they begin for emotional ones. If your spouse is having sex outside of your marriage you probably need to consider whether or not you have been meeting them at the place of their emotional needs. Often times couples get familiar with one another and loose appreciation for each other, they stop doing the things they once did to love their partner. Often times when a cheating spouse is having sexual relations outside of the relationship, it generally has something to do with a lack of loving expressions by their mate. However, it will also say something about the adulterer, because if they are so focused on their own desires, then they are being selfish. It is also true that there are some people who are so selfish, so inwardly consuming, that it does not make a difference how much their spouse is loving them, they will still be cheating, (committing adultery).
This is a serious issue, sex outside the context of a couples union will likely cause significant issues for the relationship. Extramarital sex will tear at the core of their matrimony by splitting the most meaningful portion of their relationship, which is the foundation of trust. When integrity has been compromised by corruption, by a thoughtless selfish choice, it is likely to be quite painful for the spouse who remained faithful, and this kind of sexual activity can lead to divorce. Couples, (as well as singles), need to have a complete understanding of the bond in sexual union. This is the deepest form of love expression, it’s the most meaningful connection in relationships and should not be taken lightly.
It is well known that men are wired with a hormonal desire to have sex, for most men sex with their mate is the most significant form of love expression, (to them). Women should be aware of this, but women should also be conscious of other emotional necessities as well. Ladies, you need to stand by him, showing him and letting him know that you believe in him. Most men have fragile ego’s, so if you say to a man "that will never work, that’s stupid", you have just caused major damage to your relationship. Many women think, for some reason, that they are sent by God to humble their man, wrong! Most men do not handle criticism and rejection very well, especially coming from the most important person in their lives. Your words need to be edifying and encouraging, you need to show your love by being supportive, by speaking words of affirmation. And even if something does not work out, you need to continue to be the same. When your male partner tries to share his dreams with you and you crush them with degrading unsupportive comments, you injure your relationship, big time! WHY? Because you have just shown your husband that he can not share his dreams with you. If your husband is not telling you his dreams, consider that a major red flag! It’s time for you to talk on a serious level with him to recover what you have damaged. Remember ladies you want him to listen and be attentive to your needs, you also need to be there for his. If you have belittled your husband, understand that it won’t be long before some other woman shows up somewhere in his life complimenting him, telling him what great ideas he has, fulfilling an emotional need of his. Some women of professional men really battle with this. They get tired of hearing people praise their husbands. If you find yourself to be struggling with this you should consider praying to God and asking Him to help you discover what it is about you, that makes you exhibit feelings like that.
For most women sex is not number one on their list of emotional priorities, women are more complex, and you men need to understand that. Women respond the same way to small acts of kindness as they do to large acts of kindness. Men think they have to do something extravagant to make an impression, that is has to be something large, something special. Men may tend to make big deals of special occasions such as birthdays, anniversaries, and valentine’s day thinking that if they do something real fancy and really special it only needs to be occasional, (wrong). Don’t reserve love for special occasions, you should be loving your spouse daily and you could be doing so in simple acts of kindness, in thoughtfulness and consideration. Show intent of care, express your love for her by saying and doing the things that you know will touch her. If a man continues with simple acts of kindness, he will keep his wife in love with him for their entire lives. Guys instead of buying her 12 roses one time, buy her 1 rose 12 times, this will reflect your thoughtfulness and your love for her 12 times. Make plans to do things with her that share in companionship, things that 2 friends can have fun doing together. Out of consideration take time out to make the bed, clear off the table, wash the dishes, leave a little love note on the bathroom mirror.
Gentlemen, you need to also engage your wife in significant conversation, this is a meaningful way to not only express your love for her, but also to meet her emotional needs, (for a lot of women this means they talk and you listen). You can not just drift off into some distant land here, show your love by paying attention. Don’t try to give her the fixes for the things she is talking about. She does not want the fixes, she wants the quality time with you. So continue to acknowledge what she is saying and ask her about her comments in manners which show that you care about her feelings. Like, "how does that make you feel"?
Hopefully, you now see how important it is to have an otherness mind set in your relationships. If you want a faithful spouse, then make all the loving efforts you can to express your love for them, by the things you do, and by the things you say. Love in relationships is far more than sexual intercourse, love is looking to meet the other person at the source of their needs. I would suggest both partners in the relationship read "The Five Love Languages".
The key to your relationships success is knowing that neither of you are perfect, you are both going to make mistakes, you are both going to hurt each other, and therefore you will need to forgive one anothers imperfections. Much of the time people react in adverse manners to the pain that others have caused them, they get bitter instead of getting better. They want those who they feel hurt them to pain. The problem is that the only one it hurts is the one who does not forgive. Unforgiveness is like taking poison and then hoping that the other guy will die. "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us". Forgiveness is an act, it is not an emotion, it has nothing to do with your emotions. You may feel the pain from what that person did to you until the day you die, it has nothing to do with forgiveness. Forgiving does not erase your memory. Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. Forgiveness is a prerequisite of love.
If you truly love someone then you will forgive them out of your love for them, love is sacrificial. I Love You is an outward expression. Forgiveness is when you say; "I forgive you, I will never speak of it again, to you or to anyone else". Forgiveness has more to do with your tongue than your head or your heart. If you’re still talking about it, you have not forgiven it, you need to let it go.
When you hurt one another, be humble enough to recognize your mistakes and make every effort to earnestly apologize, and then show that you mean it by your actions. It takes time to build trust, trust is not something you build in a day. Look to integrate these love attributes into your current relationship and share them with your spouse.
Topics: Sexual Intimacy | 7 Comments »
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August 20th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
I find your site very interesting. It has been able to offer hope to me and answers to my questions regarding relationship. I have been wallowing in a relationship that offers nothing other than pains disrespect from my guy, cheating and outmost abuse. My days are filled with tears. What can i do cause i cant go on like this.
Are you married?
July 20th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Interesting blog post. What would you say was the most important NLP factor?
Answer: For others reading this, NLP, Neuro-Linguistic Programming, Is a pragmatic self-help method that focuses on what works, and has lots of useful exercises and philosophies that helps you become a better person, increase your influence, and achieve your life goals. And the answer is God, read the bible it’s all there.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Thank you for your wonderful advice. I would like to share with you
how we got together for 11 years now. I know that it is by the grace of God why I still keep him. He is my first boyfriend until we got
married. We have two kids now. He actually betrayed me thrice now and this was the most painful because it happened at the vast of our
marriage. I did warned him to never pursue that woman if ever there
is. He assured me that it will never happen. Until that moment when
my instinct pushed me to caught them. It was really very painful be
cause i know i did my best. When it happened once i forgive right
away. When it happened twice it was very painful but he asked for a
chance so i forgive and forget. I know everybody deserves second
chances. Now it happened again. I am in my strongest emotion. I saw
them in that scene and it is torturing my mind. I really wanted to
end the relationship but he doesn’t want me to go. He insisted to
stay. Hes so pathetic so i let him stay but i could not forget what
happened. It will be rehashed even when we are in our sweetest
conversation. I am pushing him to the girl and told him to pursue
what they all have started but he wanted to be with me. He told me he love me so much and he cant live without me. Now the question arise, If he really love me why couldn’t he resist temptation? We always listen to Christian music, pray together. I show him my love and
perform my duties as a wife. I am always rediscovering myself for
him to never look at other woman. We do communicate every minute. Am I not enough for him? Does he really love me? How could a man be
content? He is with me but i am not happy cause i always remember. I
already forgive him but the memory still haunt me. Its eating me up.
Answer: I hear your pain, I know it hurts, I have been in that place in the past, I do feel for you. It sounds like there is a significant issue with the relationship with God. You say you both listen to christian music and you pray together, that is good, however you BOTH need to include Gods word, (daily), and you BOTH need to be in His courts, (church). You may need to take the lead, by example, you read the bible in front of him, you go to church, you watch sermons on TV etc…
Look carefully at this; For what the flesh wants is opposed to the Spirit, and what the Spirit wants is opposed to the flesh. They are opposed to each other, and so you do not do what you want to do. (Galatians 5:17).
….but the person who sins sexually, sins against his own body. (1 Corinthians 6:18).
He is not in control of his hormones or of himself, his flesh is in control of him. Now consider what he might be like if he were closer to God;
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:22-23).
As to forgiveness, it is a process, it will not erase your memory. Please read this article: Forgiveness Is Loves Prerequisite
Another thing you could do right now is go rent the movie Fireproof and ask him to watch it with you.
June 15th, 2009 at 1:10 am
i love reading your site and advices. I am betrayed by my husband I
caught them in the hotel because i am spying him. I have done what
you said regarding meeting his emotional and sexual desires. He said
that i lack nothing. He said that the girl wanted him and expressed
her love. They are workmate and actually they see each other more
often than we are. We only see each other during Saturdays. We love
each other and we are too close to each other I couldn’t believe he
could commit such a sin when i knew i have loved him so much. He
told me it was the girl who made the first move. It was the girl
who initiated. Now i dont know if saving our marriage will work
since i will never forget this whole thing. Its very painful. I am in
a mire up to now. what will i do?
Answer: I know you are feeling the pain of his unfaithfulness, and I know he has shattered the trust in your relationship. The first thing I suggest you do is to pray, or seek prayer at church, pray to God and tell him of your hurts and ask him to guide you. I would like to give you some insights just so you have some understanding. No matter what he says about the other person, he made choices to be at that motel, those choices came from his fleshly desires, nobody elses. Proverbs 6:32; But whoever commits adultery with a woman lacks understanding.
You are both going to have a difficult time in a relationship where you only see each other once a week. It is difficult to meet one anothers needs for an entire week on saturday. I am not by any means saying that this is proper behavior, it is sin, and it is selfish. However you need to understand where issues can arise as to prevent them. You don’t want to give the devil an opportunity to bring discord into your relationship. See 1 Corinthians 7:5; Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
See the part there about the agreement of time? About the temptation and lack of self control? Put those three issues together; (agreement time, temptation, lack of control).
Most people want to resolve the problems in their lives their way, and it does not make for good resolve. Do you both go to church? Do you both spend time in the wisdom of Gods word? If not, make haste! Seek first the kingdom of heaven, seek out wise counsel at the church, in the bible, and in prayer.
March 29th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
I have been seeing this woman for 2 months now on a very regular basis. I met her on an internet dating site. We see each other at least 4 to 5 times a week. Last Friday and Saturday nite we were at her place when she jumps on the computer and starts showing me all the guys she is chatting with and ones that she has dated and slept with one of which was online and she was chatting with while 2 others were texting her. She is also still on the internet dating sites and arranging dates while we are together. I got quite angry over this and we had an arguement over this. I’m not sure if I should of got angry because we are still quite new in or friendship and she had been married for 25yrs that ended only 8 years ago and he passed away from cancer 5yrs ago then she had a partner for 7 yrs that ended 6 months ago. Am I expecting too much too quick? Am I over reacting to the situation? Should I just relax and see what comes of it? When we are together things are fantastic and have heaps of fun and we have heaps in common and the sex is good too. What do you think I should do?
Answer: Seek to build a relational foundation of friendship with someone, obstain and get away from lust based relations. Read Proverbs in the bible, it will help you to protect your heart.
March 18th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
I think it’s kind of ridiculous to say “if you’re still talking about it you haven’t forgiven it”. Forgiveness is a process. It doesn’t happen just like that. Realistically, it takes time AND it takes talking. I am forgiving my husband but I still have occasions when I need to talk about it. To never talk about it again is simply to deny it. Don’t dwell on it. Let it go. But you don’t have to bury it 6 feet under in denial either.
Answer: It is not ridiculous at all, you are still talking about it because it is still an issue for you. When it is no longer an issue, you will not have any need to talk about it, and that is when you will know that you have forgiven. Denial is in your opinion that it’s ridiculous. You still have some hurt or pain that you feel your husband has caused you, and it may be legitimate, then again, you may be lacking the mercy and grace that God extends, (out of love), to you for your blemishes. And by the way, I am sure that you have hurt your husband at times as well, relationship is a two-way street. Focusing on your pain will never resolve the issue, love does not insist on it’s own way, love is not irritable or resentful, love bears all things, love endures all things, love forgives. This is not to say that adultery is acceptable, it is selfish, and the bible says that a man who commits adultery lacks sense. However, in a relationship where a partner cheats, there were already more deeply rooted issues, on both sides, before the transgression occurred. This is a hard question to ask yourself, especially in your pain, but how well were you loving your husband? How well were you meeting his needs?
June 13th, 2008 at 10:12 pm
i really enjoy this site. the articles are great and very informative. keep them coming!